Teatro Avenida, Maputo. Mozambique 2012

Ryan Hemsworth – Empty Thoughts Over a Shallow Ocean
Still Awake (2013)

I’m listening to Ryan Hemsworth’s fantastic new EP, Still Awake, at a time when I apparently should be sleeping. I’m craving quality time with beloved and missed friends and wishing for an hour of uninterrupted Internet connection clashing right to break this time-zone barrier between me and the rest of my world – allowing me to have a proper conversation with my mother or at least somebody of my friends who I haven’t heard from for too long now. Being able to spontaneously call or text a friend has always been the most valued possibility that a 3G connection could provide. With an 8 hour time difference, those messages lose value and might even wake the person up – so I don’t share, and I don’t get as many of those random little answers and pictures that would keep me updated on the whereabouts of my darlings. A huge loss – I miss them.

Renata and Den are in Granada and I can’t wait to have both of them with me here tomorrow – reunions like this are truly beautiful and I will be meeting Den for the third time now, in a third country. Two years since last time.

Speaking of which, I feel that time is moving on again and although my contract with UNICEF has been extended until August, uncertainty is catching up with me once again and asking me what I actually would like from reality. I wouldn’t be me if I could answer that question immediately as there are so many options that my mind is craving. On one hand, there is an infinite amount of things I still really want to experience, going to exciting places, travel, visit India again, focus on my photography, challenges and meetings, growing in my career, learning more new things. On the other hand, I am really missing a base, some form of stability, rooted friendships. A job that allows me to define a home and buy myself a proper sound system, knowing that I will be staying put for a while, with a nice little guestroom always prepared for visits from friends and my mother.

Renata has been selling New York quite efficiently to me. The eclectic mix of cuisine, cultures, styles, architecture, people, values, preferences, languages, interests, music, things to do, and of course her own presence in the city. Professionally, I have gotten “Don’t do it!” from many people I trust. “It’s not worth it, New York might be a fantastic city, but the working atmosphere is not pleasant at all and you get downgraded instantly to do work you are completely overqualified for.” Still, I can’t help but being extremely curious about what life would look like when there is always something to do, what work looks like on HQ level, and how I would be able to handle it all. At least for a couple of months to be convinced about the down parts myself instead of going around wondering, or to decide that it’s indeed great and all just a matter of preference and what you decide to make of it.

Actually, there are quite a lot of scenarios that would be fantastic. A long term position with big responsibilities and doing what I do best at a regional office here in Latin America, or maybe even finding my way back to Scandinavia and really reconnecting with a life free of worries and full of beloved friends. Or maybe starting something completely new or travelling to an emergency country and living a hard but very enriching reality for some time. So yeah, on one hand I would love to really unpack my bags and know where my home is – but I’m not saying that I’m in need or wish to completely settle down right now – I’m far from done growing and learning and getting to travel to places I haven’t seen can still keep my mind and heart content, busy and happy – for some time more, or until I find my spot.

But most of all, and first of all, I’m craving real opportunities. So that I can choose. Bring it on, Internet and the bureaucratic application systems, give a curious lady some answers over here.

Update: And just as I published this blogpost there was a flash, the sound of thunder, and then the sky opened up for one of those soothing nightly rains that release all the tensions in the air and smell so nicely. Time to sleep now. Thank you for the treat, Managua.